ARMAGEDDON |
| What is up with people that they have to be so damn cool these days?
No-one dare say they like anything unless it is some obscure art film or some anodyne
dreck about relationships. The reviews I’ve seen so far have been pretty uncommitted
over Armageddon, even the teen and twenties lads' magazines that you would expect to drool
over this offering. I’m writing ahead of the "quality" papers so I
don’t know what our friend Richard Williams will say. I’ll guess he won’t
like it at all but you can’t tell with someone whose mind has been damaged by
substance abuse or childhood trauma. I mean, a man who could write four columns on a piece
of shit like Lost in Space and give it three stars has got to be in need of psychiatric
help. If 1969 and the moon landings mean anything to you, if you like space hardware, if you dream of flying in the space shuttle, if you like to see things blow up frequently, if you are thrilled by backwards-ticking clocks that have to beaten before the bomb goes off, the world is doomed, there is no escape, if your love of these things is big enough to forgive a so-so script and several large plot holes that you could drive an asteroid the size of Texas through, then you’ll love this film. I’m guilty on all charges. I knew this film was going to kick ass as soon as I heard the magisterial tone of Charlton Heston’s voiceover at the beginning. When this was closely followed by a space shuttle being blown apart by asteroids and the destruction of large parts of an American city I was a very happy Lizard. Even though I liked Deep Impact, this film is better – it destroys more things, more effectively in the first 10 minutes and thereafter grabs you by the throat and never lets go until the end credits. I will freely admit that one reason this film grabs my attention so much is the extensive use of the space shuttles and the excellent NASA footage and locations. It really gives an impression of what the shuttle is like, what a launch is like, how dangerous it is. Certainly liberties are taken and things speeded up such as a docking with Mir that happens so fast that in reality it would knock the station into an orbit with Saturn. There is also the slight matter of how a shuttle survives hitting several gazillion-ton asteroids but can have a whole wall blown out by a few bullets. Oh yes, the plot. Asteroid heading for Earth. Bruce Willis drills big holes for his oil company. US govt. hires Willis to dig hole and plant nuke on said asteroid. Willis recruits dirty dozen type misfits for mission. NASA training. Paranoid military types. BOOM. BANG. Backwards clocks. Ben Affleck and Liv Tyler provide lurve interest. The script shows signs of being written by committee and some of the one-liners fall flat. When I introduce the law to ban trailers I will also introduce a 50 year moratorium on speeches from American presidents who say they are doing something in co-operation with the whole world whilst in reality they use one comedy Russian in the whole thing and accidentally blow up Mir in the process. I will also order directors of further Doomed Earth films to find some different national monuments to represent the other nations of the earth. Anyway, these small gripes aside, I thoroughly recommend this film to anyone who, like me, enjoys brainless science fiction thrillers with loads of special effects and Bruce Willis in them. It is a sheer joy to watch and I shall be going back to see it again. |