GODZILLA

INTRODUCTION: Well I suppose that I had to go see the biggest film of the year, after 6 months of having my work sub-edited by The Lizard I'm not afraid of a giant deranged slavering reptile.

SYNOPSIS: Yeah like it matters, oh well here goes, radiation mutated lizard goes to The Big Apple.

REVIEW: As Lizard mentioned the film stars Pepsi, Swatch and Blockbuster Video, the product placement being far from subliminal, although I get this overwhelming, almost Pavlovian, urge to run screaming for my life whenever I pass a Blockbuster Video store now. I assume this is due to a deep seated paranoia about being pursued by Godzuuki and not a general contempt and disgust of the multinational chain in question.

The formally impressive cast, only my admiration of them prevents me naming and shaming, put in performances slightly less animated than the surrounding CGI. Presumably the sooner you can remove these unpredictable meat props from the film production, the happier Emerich et al will be. Although one of the biggest problems with the film is that they all survive.

Apart from minor extras who are accidentally trod, assorted military type who are swiped, and assorted French man Jean-Luc, Jean-Claude, Jean-Paul, Jean-Pierre (no really!) everyone survives, completely destroying any sense of fear or tension associated with the traditional disaster flick.

The other thing you need is your money shot, the destruction of a major landmark, (the destruction of the White House in "ID4", the elimination of the senate in "Mars Attacks!", the sweeping away of the Statue of Liberty in "Deep Impact") and indeed here you have a veritable plethora as the old Pan-Am building, the Chrysler building, Madison Square Gardens and the Brooklyn Bridge all go the way of the dinosaur (the biggest disaster since the World Trade Center bombing!, err slightly worse surely?), unfortunately these are all such minor landmarks that, unless you're a native New Yorker, chances are you wont even recognise them let alone care. Oh and of course none of them are destroyed by Godzilla, but rather by America's one true contribution to world military tactics, friendly fire.

Size does matter proclaims the tag line and indeed the monster is big, really big, perhaps too big, with an eye the size of a New York storm drain. Quite how it manages to hide in the underground is never fully explained, especially with all the giant cockroaches, alligators, turtles, etc that we know are down there from other films.

Indeed originality is not this film's strong point, its strong point was a brilliant if excessively long add campaign, with three separate teasers featuring piss takes of "Jurassic Park", "Jaws" and "Twister" respectively. Sadly it turns out that these weren't actually piss-takes but actual scenes from the film. Personally I liked "Jaws", "Jurassic Park", "Twister" and the "Alien" series; I just preferred them before they were recycled as this tosh.

Devlin and Emmerich have conclusively proven that "ID4" was just a fluke with this film which shows not even the most basic understanding of how an action film works. If you're a Godzilla fan your best bet is to go out and rent "Godzilla Vs. King Gidorah" (my personal favourite) or if you can find it the original Japanese "Godjira" which, sans Raymond Burr, (the Gorilla Whale of the title?) was the first and reputedly (damned if I can find it) the best of the series to date.

Sorry got to go, according to my precision Swatch it's time for me to head home and relax in front of the Telly watching one of the exciting latest releases from Blockbuster video while I gulp down a cool refreshing Pepsi.

It all smells a bit fishy, defiantly a bigger disaster than the world trade center bombing

Mutt's Rating: **

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